By Ami J. Sanghvi
Hello, mere mortals. The aliens (save one: me) have retreated to their spaceships for the day. Now is the time they have designated for me to educate the humans. Today’s lesson? How to write the worst tweets EVER and sabotage your chances of getting an agent or publishing deal for the rest of your sad, mortal life!
Very exciting stuff.
And yes, we know all of this was already in the title. Repeating stuff incessantly for innocent people on the internet is all a part of the process. You’ll see. You’ll all see.
Here’s the thing, though — the whole point of having a Twitter isn’t to post cute updates regarding your writing or even photos of your laptop/coffee setup. No, no…
The idea is to team up with other authors, so you destroy your respective publishing careers — together.
I should take a quick moment to mention that many agents are wonderful, and I deeply respect their work. However, since I know most types of publishing aren’t for me, and emerging daily as THE CHAOS on Twitter works far better for my general creative vibe than actually attempting to behave myself…
Well, my Twitter aesthetic is essentially “unhinged alien,” and I am of the conviction that you, miscellaneous mortal, should join me in furthering THE CHAOS. All the info you need to destroy your career nearly, if not exactly, as badly as I already have is directly below.
Cue The Fame and buckle up, kiddos.
DO swear plenty. If you can’t alarm a pirate or even just upset a Karen with your language choices, you’re doing it wrong. STEP IT UP. In fact, consider meshing a few cuss words together to create new, exciting ways to swear! That is our job as writers, after all.
DON’T worry about how you’ve cussed too much in one sentence. You haven’t. It’s impossible, especially considering how there’s no such thing as swearing too much! So yes — carry on, and keep up the god awful work.
DO be as chaotic as you possibly can, paying no heed to what stage of your career you’re presently in. It’s never too early or too late to sabotage your future. Come on, my dear mortals — the time is now!
DON’T hesitate, overthink it, or wonder if this is even the right time to burn it all to the ground. I promise you it is. It’s always the right time to burn everything to the ground. NO MORE EXCUSES!
DO post the worst memes you’ve ever seen in your life. Not the most offensive (please, for the love of god — not the most offensive, never the most offensive) — merely the worst memes in the “professional” sense. Sparkly, nihilistic possums are a terrific start. Either way, your memes should be so appalling that anyone who sees them ends up having to quit the internet for the rest of the day.
DON’T convince yourself you’re above memes. We promise you you’re not. No one is. Ever. If you’re here reading this article, we promise you this applies to you as well. Up your garbage rating with trash memes, or just quit the internet altogether. IF YOU’RE NOT ESTABLISHING YOURSELF AS A TWITTER-RENOWNED MEMELORD AMONG ALL THREE OF THE PEOPLE WHO SOMETIMES LIKE YOUR TWEETS, THEN WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU EVEN DOING?! Get it together, you mere m o r t a l.
DO share every single thought that enters your head. Every. Single. One. People want to know all about how your thumb fell asleep, the vivid details of the gray sweatpants you’re wearing, your in-depth analysis regarding the flavor of your vitamin gummies, and even how things are going with that ghoul who dwells strangely in the middle of your kitchen floor. Your fifteen followers REALLY want to know whether you’ve learned to sleep through the strange OoOoOoOoooo noises coming from your microwave at night. Don’t deprive them of these fundamental truths.
DON’T wonder if anything you’re sharing with the world is too ridiculous, excessive, or unnecessary. We promise you it’s not. The more you question it, the more that means you should probably just suck it up and post the damn thing. Come on, you coward.
DO keep people updated on the sorry state of your Sims. You were a bear, your Sims were there — can I make it any more obvious? You feel obsessed, haven’t you heard— how you love to destroy their woOoOoOrld?
DON’T hold back. Never worry you’re taking things too far. I promise you you’re not. This is quite literally why Twitter exists — so you can post your Sims’ totally depraved genealogy and humble brag about that little graveyard you’ve created by the hot tub in the backyard. You should be really proud of yourself, mortal. Not everyone has the moral gray area necessary to make their puppets dance for them.
DO post TONS of selfies, videos, and other fabulous stuff with absurd flair and very random captions. Don’t double post — QUADRUPLE POST instead! No settling. Do all of this on a daily basis — hourly even. Keep in mind that this manner of torturing people should come naturally to you. Forcing it won’t work. It never does. However, when in doubt, consider using multi-paragraph, super dramatic monologues from demons in video games to caption your deeply fabulous selfies.
DON’T worry about coming off too vain or like you don’t have a life (especially since you don’t). Society is crumbling. None of this stuff even matters anymore — imagining it ever really did. In fact, see about doubling or tripling up on those selfies by using one of those little frame apps that allows you to place them side-by-side so you can post double or triple the amount you would otherwise. My favorite app for being a vain piece of lovely, glorious, overstated garbage? No Crop. And if you’re an Apple user who can’t find it, that’s because Apple sucks, and all your followers already know you’re a poser who is posting from Apple instead of Android. Get with the times, mortal.
DO tweet when you’re super hyped up. Hell, gather all the things that get your adrenaline pumping and your brain moving extra squiggly. Then, consume them all — 10x over. Eventually, you’ll be ready to tweet ALL THE THINGS.
DON’T wait until you simmer down. That adrenaline is your new bff — at least for the next few hours. Serve yourself up on that internet platter free, absurd, extraterrestrial, and impenitent. Life is short and sucks anyways. You might as well have a little bit of extra fun with it.
Now, it’s time to make people question every single last thing about their existence (and yours) after experiencing your lovely, career-imploding tweets. The internet can be used for a lot of truly lovely things, but in order to obliterate your writing career with style and grace, becoming entirely unhinged on Twitter is your best option.
I believe in you — well, as much as I can believe in any mere mortal. Get out there and do your worst, my darling nightmare children.
xoxo — see you in the slush pile! <3